No String Attached.

I always able to manage myself. always able to control myself. I think I'm a very good controller. Well, sometimes people called me bossy. But whatever you know.
I hate it when things did not happen like the way I want them to be, well because it is out of my control. So do I hate it when I couldn't control my own feeling.
It has been 2 years. The gap. 2 years since I made it through. I was so fully-controlled by myself. But you never know what happen. And so it happened. Thing that I was afraid the most, happened. I do sometimes blame myself, simply because I was unable control my feeling.
But I realized something, you know why am I being hard toward myself about this control thingy? Simply, because I was too afraid to get hurt.
Well, I've learned not to expect things, because the more you expect, the higher chance you will be disappointed. And by being able to control myself, for me, it was sort of a prevention you know. Being able to control myself, I know exactly what to expect. Exact and precisely. it gives me sense of security. Because I know I will not get hurt.

All We'd Ever Need

"All We'd Ever Need"

Boy it's been all this time
And I can't get you off my mind
And nobody knows it but me

I stare at your photograph
Still sleep in the shirt you left
And nobody knows it but me

Everyday I wipe my tears away
So many nights I've prayed for you to say

[Chorus]
I should've been chasing you
I should've been trying to prove
That you were all that mattered to me
I should've said all the things that I kept inside of me
And maybe I could've made you believe
That what we had was all we'd ever need

My friends think I'm moving on
But the truth is I'm not that strong
And nobody knows it but me

And I've kept all the words you said
In a box underneath my bed
And nobody knows it but me

But if you're happy I'll get through somehow
But the truth is that I've been screaming out

[Repeat Chorus]

I should've been chasing you
You should've been trying to prove
That you were all that mattered to me
Oh you should've said all the things
That I kept inside of me
And maybe you could've made me believe
That what we had girl
Oh that what we had, what we had
It was all we'd ever need
It was all we'd ever need




my current favourite song. awwwww, i love you Lady Antebellum. You guys are nothing but the best.

love at first sight

I know, I haven't blogged for awhile since my last post. Its hard you know. Everytime I open my blog, and read that letter. I've tried to make another blog, tried to make tumblr page. But I kept opening this blog. And I realize, this is my first love. My first baby. And I decided to keep writing...in this blog. Because yes, I love it.

Dear you,

Really, i have no idea what to write. Million things came out from my mind, but still i couldn't even put it together. so please, do forgive me for being so stupid.

Well, lets start with this, how are you? I hope you are doing fine out there. I am everyday wondering how are you doing, what did you eat, or did you sleep well. i always think about you.everyday and every night before i go to sleep. Did you ever think about me?

How's your life? My life is okay. Not great, not amazing, not bad, it is just.....okay. I still go to the same school, still go with school bus. nothing has really changed, except the fact that people left, that you left. I still join business class. Still sit near elgine, but what is really changed is no more you.I remember in my first business class, you sit behind me and the first thing you said when I asked you, who are you, you said that you are 'that' person who sit behind me in business class. did you ever notice that somehow you always-almost actually-sit behind me every business class? please, correct me if i'm wrong. te he.

The day you left, would you believe me that I was in the airport? would you believe me, if i say that I was in my car,too scared to get out because I have no guts to say goodbye to you? I wish i have the strength that day, so at least I can see you for the last time. But you know i don't, so I sent you a message, that you never received because of that stupid provider. How i wish you receive that message, so at least i can hear you say goodbye to me. But all of those things I wish might happen, did not happen at all. it is sad you know.. it is.

And, dear you, I miss you like shit. You don't know how much I suffer after you left. Every day. Every single night. Every time I think about you, I feel like want to cry. I always want to cry.
Everytime I pray, I always ask Him, how are you. cos I have no idea how are you doing. I ask Him to always look after you, because I no longer could. And after a month you left, I still crying. I am crying while I wrote this. I am crying when I saw you online in YM. do you know why? because I am too scared to do everything. I don't want to be disappointed with your response, too scared that you might think I am just nobody in your life, that i might am.

No one is actually there for me when you left. do you know how it feels? it feels like.. I am so lonely in this world. No one takes it seriously, nobody. and I expect them to do nothing cos they don't understand.

I know i cant live like this forever, i know i cant. I decided to get out from your life forever. No access for you to reach me. But not now. It is not the right time, cos I am not ready. I have no idea, how my life would be without you. Give me a little bit longer, And I will completely let you go. I promise this to myself.

It is a letter for you, actually. But as you know, I am too scared to tell this directly to you, so I wrote it here. You might not be able to read this, because you did not even know that it is exist or you might read this, but I was gone already. I have no idea what will happen. but, who knows? I didn't expect any reply.. I wrote this just to let you know what truly happen to me, what I truly feel. you might don't want to know anything about me anymore, and that's fine, but it is a big deal for me, so i hope if you find this you'll willing to read the whole thing.

I never be able to say thank you to you. so now I will. thanks for being nice to me, I always thought you are the first person who really care about me in my first year, thanks for used to love me, even though you told me 3 times that you didn't anymore, thanks for those late conversations at night which always make me laugh, thanks for all the cares you gave to me, it is such a sweet thing from you, and thanks for being a part of my life. I am really thankful and I hope you know that.

You are such an amazing person. I hope your life will be better from now on.

I have no idea when will we meet again, or it might be that we will never meet for forever. but I hope we will meet again someday, when everything is so much easier than now, when we are on the same road, when you understand me. I guess its time to say goodbye.. please take care of yourself for me, don't do silly things, eat and sleep well. I hope we can meet again soon.

PS : I still love you.

Chacha.



It took me almost a month to write this.

Walking Away.